When everything just spins

Sometimes I just wake up and life looks like this. It’s as if the spinning started in my sleep. Anxiety and angst disorient me the moment I plant my feet on the floor. I don’t want it to be this way. In fact, days before I had a wonderful breakthrough. I had heard some gentle and guiding words from God and I chatted like a bird during our walk the night before. Chris listened patiently as I shared the things I had heard from God and how I felt it was playing out in my world. He smiled a calm but genuine smile as I rambled on about order  and how I felt I belonged, really belonged to the Father. He was going to order me. Not my world, but me, in his perfect way. God had told me how to pray.

But today that peace and sense of belonging is far far away. My insides churn as I squeeze out short prayers to God. My house is a mess. Every corner and crevice is cluttered and speaking ugly things to me about my value. I cannot listen. I find my red skippies buried in a disheveled closet and tie the laces while Janey watches me closely. “Let’s go outside” I tell her grabbing my camera on the way out.

I have to find peace.

The path that leads into the woods is overgrown and looks like a picture of my life. Nothing seems clear. I pray again the scripture that I have prayed consistently for three months. “Lead me in paths of righteousness for your namesake.” I don’t know which way to go with my life right now.

So I count the things I do know. I count the gifts he has given me. 1. Red skippies. 2. Red barn. 3. Leaves that curl and wisp over the earth. 4. Leaves lit by sunlight creating a stained glass cathedral in the woods. 5. The cool dirt and how I feel connected to God when I sit right down in it. 6. Puppies and horses. 7. Muscadines, ripe and sweet.

As I begin to concentrate on what I know and what I have, the snide voices hush quiet in the face of worship. They cannot stand in that place. I make my way to the rope swing and Janey follows close behind. She is always with me. I hop onto the swing and the chase begins. I swing and she runs after me, nipping at my skippies. I giggle like a little girl. It’s just me and Janey in the backyard and I am laughing until I cry. And then I really cry.  As I whirl around, I cling to the rope and look up. Even though everything is revolving around me, I am tethered to a source that does not spin out of control. I realize this is how my day really began. Yes, things felt chaotic, but I was held, tethered, to a God who does not change.

With this thought in mind, I know that I have to purpose myself to rest in the ride. I don’t have to feel in control or see all the wonderful outcomes in real time. I just have to trust the One who does. I hold onto the rope knowing that it is I who is truly held.

I do not have to be afraid. I can enjoy the ride.

Psalm 62:1,2 ~ “I find my rest in God alone. He is the One who saves me. He alone is my rock. He is the One who saves me. He is like a fort to me. I will always be secure.”