This may take awhile…

Mondays are hard for me. They have been for sometime now.  With our family being so involved in ministry at church on Sundays, it seems we never really get a rest before we head right back into another week. Sometimes I feel so down I have to find ways to rest and tell myself it is okay.  Today, in search of a reprieve from the tension, I walked outside and found this ladybug emerging from her larval stage, or cocoon. I have never seen this before. I went inside and got my macro lens, and for the next several minutes watched her struggle to be free of her previous state. I knew I could not help her or I would somehow hinder the process, and possibly injure her.

As she struggled, I thought about my own life and how I am always in the process of becoming someone better, someone more free, someone more alive. At least that is my hope. It has been a hard but life changing year for me. I sent a daughter to Spain, and another one to Africa. I am learning to let go of and give my children to God. I began to discover my own heart for the first time in many ways, including some of the following:

• I love colors I didn’t know I loved! (I painted my kitchen red and my bedroom a spicy orange).
• I like being organized and will accept help in getting more that way.
• I want and now have canvases of my own family on my walls.
• I LOVE shoes!
• I realized that I need laughter, hot tea, good coffee, (Chris bought me a french press for mother’s day!), and to read books just because.
• I have learned to say no to things that kill my soul, like taking every job that is offered to me, and processing for hours every night.
• I need friendships and am willing to build them.
• I love and need to dance as much as possible.
• I can’t help but fall in love with the beautiful light I see clinging to the profiles of my children as the day progresses into night.
• I am married to the man God made just for me.

That is just a sample of my year and what I am learning about my own heart. It is a good journey, and worth the struggle.

As you can see in the second picture, there was a moment when she looked right into my lens. She looked panicked. She couldn’t see what I could see, and that is the myriad of empty cocoons on the leaves around her of those who had successfully made the journey, and that she was made for this.  And so am I.  Reminds me of Sara Groves’ song “From This One Place”

Here are the words to the chorus:

From this one place I can’t see very far

From this one moment I’m square in the dark.

These are the things I will trust in my heart. You can see something else. Something else.

Enjoy your Monday!