On Motherhood

In the past month I have sent two daughters away to far away countries. First, Annie to Africa for a mission trip, and now Katie to Spain to study abroad for three months.

It feels like my heart has been pulled from my body. Hmm, maybe pulled isn’t the right verb. What is the right verb? Maybe the verb you would use to describe when removing gum from your shoe, or Silly Putty from the carpet. Ripped. Yeah, that’s better. Webster describes ripped as “an act of tearing something forcibly.” Other synonyms are “tear, wrench, wrest, pull, snatch, tug, pry,heave, drag, peel, pluck; informal yank.” Yes, that is it. Ripped. I think you get it. The feeling is very physical, and unsolicited.

These are the passages that  I have heard other mothers talk about. Letting your kids go, after years of, holding them close,  buying prom dresses, listening to them and stroking their hair, crying with them, praying over them in their beds, reading to them at night, finger painting, baking and decorating cupcakes, wishing they would potty train already, helping them pull that first tooth, keeping fevers down, watching them sleep. Oh, it goes on and on, the things we mothers do, just because our hearts will not allow us to do anything else.

So odd to me, I don’t remember much about my life before I was a mother. I do remember I was one of those people. You know the ones who talk about other people who bring their kids into nice restaurants and let them fuss and cry. Can you believe it?  I , at the ripe old age of 20, didn’t even have kids on my radar, much less in my plans. When my very new husband and I conceived, I was 21 and he was 25. We were clueless as to what was about to happen to us.

Then, it happened. I am not sure when it started. Maybe, it was at the beginning, when I went on a walk one night and I felt God spoke to me about her, that she was a she, and that she was mine, before I even bought a test kit. I ran home and wrote her a poem. Then I called my husband who was away on a trip. (he nearly fainted. We had only been married a month). Or maybe  it was when she would get the hiccups during my pregnancy, and I instinctively  placed my hand on my belly to comfort her. Maybe it was the vulnerability I felt mingled with fierce protection in the middle of the night.

I think it was most definitely the moment I first saw her black hair after hours of the worst pain I have ever known. Everything else in the room when into shadow as I saw that baby girl for the first time. Chris still likes to quote my first words before they even had her cleaned up, motioning his arms and mimicking me as he quotes me,  ” Give me my baby!”. When they laid her on my chest, I was at peace, and I knew we were meant to be together.

A new vulnerability crept in though, as I realized I could no longer keep her safe in my womb. There was a whole world out there that could hurt her, make her sick, or worst of all, take her away. These feelings were very real.  A good friend gave me a card at that time that said exactly how I felt. ” Having a child is like having your heart walk around outside your body”. Nothing could have expressed it better.

I realize now, that when I became a mom, God gave me some of His best qualities, and let me experience in the most intimate way a huge part of  who He is. As a mom I could now relate to a God who is fiercely protective, tender beyond expression, and doesn’t mind giving up His best for His children. He stays with us through the night, listens to us, hurts for us and with us, and thankfully better than our earthly mothers, He is with us always and can heal us completely.

I would not trade this journey into motherhood for anything, even with all the pain I have known along the way, and for the pain I am experiencing now. In fact, I highly recommend it. As I close out this blog, I am reminded of one of my favorite scriptures from Isaiah.

“But Zion said, ‘ The Lord has forsaken me, the Lord has forgotten me.’ Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne?  Though she may forget, I will not forget you!  See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me.” ~ Isaiah 49 :14-16

Enjoy the photos from some of our most recent moments with our family and Katie girl.