On Believing

Sometimes it seems like the rain will never end.

Sometimes we are so soaked with grief that we cannot find the light.

It has been two weeks since my brother was admitted into a hospital in Ohio with what they thought was the flu and pneumonia. Two days later, he was in a medically induced coma, a respirator and a dialysis machine.  My mom called me in tears because she had been notified that they were concerned for his life. He was in grave danger. She flew out to Cincinnati the following morning. She is still there, waiting. He was diagnosed with Legionnaire’s disease. I thought that went out of date with my high school biology textbook.

I cannot explain this heaviness, this weariness of the soul. I have lit candles and hung lights hoping I could drink their warmth into the soaked and cold places. The lights do help. I sit on the stairs and peep at our beautiful tree through the bannister, like a child on Christmas Eve. My heart longs for the magic. I cry my own tears and whisper prayers to the Father of Lights, and I know he hears me. He is in the darkness and the light. He does not change. He is in that room with my brother when he is all alone, singing over him. I believe this.

My brother. How I love him. He is my only brother. When I was a little girl I thought he could do anything. I laughed at his jokes, and listened admiringly to the songs he wrote. The years have taken him far away from me most of the time, but he is my brother. My only brother.

When the kids were little they called him “Uncle Dan the muffin man”. He carried them on broad shoulders and seemed larger than life to them. To me.

The day before he got sick he called me just to chat. We talked for over an hour about things that mattered. He listened as I shared my heart with him. He is a good listener. That was on a Tuesday. The following Thursday he was calling 911 from his apartment because he could not stand up or breathe. I am shaken about the uncertainty of this life.

But I am not shaken about God. Or that he is good. Whatever happens, God is good. I know this. I believe this.

I cannot begin to thank all those who have prayed for my brother. On Facebook alone I believe hundreds of prayers have been offered to God on behalf of my brother. Thank you every one, who has whispered sweet prayers for him.

Today we received the good news that Danny got his respirator out and came out of the coma. He is now speaking and beginning to recognize people. We are so very grateful.

Sometimes it does seem like it will never stop raining. And then God surprises us. Tonight I walked outside after a full day of rain. I was surprised to see the clouds had broken as the most amazing sunset covered the horizon. It looked as though God had taken all the sadness of the day and pulled its heaviness into a corner of the sky, filling it with his light. It was brilliant and beautiful.

Only God can make something beautiful out of the darkness. And he is doing it again.

I am so grateful and I will continue to believe.

Psalm 18:28 ~”You, Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.”