Johnny and Astro

Last week I brought home an answer to prayer. God gave me Astro, a little Paso Fino horse who is capturing my heart.

I lost my Sammy in June of this year and when I did I lost a horse I could ride without fear. I could go anywhere with him and know he was going to take care of me. He was 27 and tired and very sick. I had to let him go. He was a handsome soldier even in his death. I couldn’t bring myself to photograph him that day, even with my phone. I kept those images sacred in my heart and memory.

Now that my birdies have all flown I am home a good bit by myself. I often find myself clumsily stumbling through my days wondering where to invest my time and focus. In an effort to find my bearings I began looking into my own heart, the one God gave me when I was a little girl. Where did I find joy? That’s when I began to pray for another horse to spend some time with like my Sammy.

Last week I got a call from a good friend and neighbor telling me about Astro.  Someone was trying to find a wonderful home for a well trained Paso Fino. I was so excited. I wondered if God was really answering my prayers so soon and if this could be my horse. I brought him home two days later. When Johnny saw his pictures he told me he was looking forward to riding him.

But there is something I haven’t mentioned yet.

Last week I had a panic attack while getting my hair done. I have had panic attacks in the past when I was going through an intense season of grief. This is common. This one jumped me out of the blue in a public place. I had no real warning. Suddenly I could not breathe and began to weep. Fortunately, my friend Tracy was doing my hair and took me to the back and prayed for me. I knew God was getting my attention. There are issues I am not attending to in my heart. I have allowed fear to creep into my everyday life. I have greeted the mornings edged in its shadow and gone to bed weary from wearing it like a garment all day long. It is an underlying current that erodes the structure of my life, eating away at peace and freedom.

I saw all of this in that moment crying in Tracy’s office. I knew I had to attend to these things. I have some ideas as to what I must do but I am still praying for God’s specific guidance.

When Johnny was home this weekend I had a migraine that made me want to hide in bed all day. He gently nudged me and said, “hey let’s go ride Astro and take pictures”. He knows my heart. All the kids came home Friday night, but I am convinced he stayed until Sunday because he knew about my current state. He is my empathetic child. I am so proud of the man he is becoming.

It was not long until I was doing the things I love the most — spending time with my boy, riding a horse and capturing the light clinging to their combined silhouettes.

God is so kind, and Astro is a gift. I will take back my life from the clutches of fear, one golden hour at a time.

I will take my own advice and breathe.

God is good and he will never leave me.

Psalm 94:17-19 ~

 “Unless the Lord had given me help,
    I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death
 When I said, “My foot is slipping,
    your unfailing love, Lord, supported me.
 When anxiety was great within me,
    your consolation brought me joy.