Busy

“How did you let this happen?” My middle child was staring intently into my eyes, waiting for an answer. I couldn’t find a response immediately because I just didn’t have one. “How did you allow yourself to become so busy?” It was a really good question. Up until this point I think I had seen my condition as an affliction that had somehow kidnapped me in the night.  She could see my head was spinning and she was trying to help me. She is my overachieving child and understands the struggle well. She knew I was not taking care of myself and this is just not okay.

I was busy. Too busy. I still am. And it is my own fault.

Funny how a well-placed question can ring in your mind over and over. How did I let this happen? I am actually embarrassed now when friends want to spend time with me, or I have prospective clients contact me and I have to say that I am too busy. Too busy. How can anyone be too busy? I guess I can, and I am. So I am thinking about my daughter’s wise question.

And so dear Annie, here are a few of my thoughts. (not excuses just thoughts)

1.  I am dealing with (or not dealing with) grief.  I lost my dad in July, and a little bit of my mind I think. I left a part of me back there in Virginia in that hospital room. I can’t seem to sort it out. I am off-kilter, like a ship with a tear in her sail, a vessel with insufficient ballast.  And yet, I am being guided by grace. I know this, as I move through the motions and try to meet the needs of my husband, family and clients — hopefully in that order.

2. This is the season in which everyone wants their photos taken. A lot of these people are friends and long-time clients and I want to serve them. It is my heart to serve them, and I struggle with saying no.

3. I need to decide whether I am going to scale back my business or hire help. It is the processing side of photography that is the most time consuming for me. If I hired someone to do that for me, I could spend more time with people, which is what I love anyway. If I do not do this, I will need to say no to a lot more jobs. Pretty simple.

4. Confession: I have not been intentional with my time. I am a terrible planner. Anyone who knows me knows this. I am spontaneous and in the moment and want to be present with everyone. Planning out my time better and really looking ahead would help me heaps, as my New Zealand friend Sheryl says.

5. This one should have come first. I need to surrender my heart and mind to God first daily. Order is important, including the order in which I do things. It should look like this for me: wake up, kiss my husband, fix coffee, pray and read scripture. Or walk outside and pray. I find him more readily outdoors with my affinity for the visual of his glory.  That should be my first 15 minutes of every day. (Right now coffee comes before prayer so I can stay awake. Just saying.)

I am quite certain there are a myriad of reasons why I have allowed this condition, and I am continuing to seek God’s wisdom on this matter. The bottom line is this. I do have a choice. These things just don’t happen to me, I allow them. This knowledge alone is freeing. Busyness is not one of the fruits of the Spirit, contrary to the culture’s belief system. Peace is, however, and I intend pursue it and get off the merry-go-round, unless I want to be on there for a ride or two.

In the meantime, I am going to pray, work as I can, sleep, eat well, exercise, pet my horses, and enjoy the company of family and friends. These things are necessary for my whole being to feel alive.

Thanks for that question, Annie Bug.

Galations 5:22,23 ~ ” But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.”

Psalm 46:10~ “Be still, and know that I am God.”