Beauty
I bought these mirrored stars the weekend of my mom’s memorial service in Virginia. It was my 50th birthday and we went to the Chickahominy House for breakfast. It was one of my mom’s favorite places. They have a little gift shop inside and the whole place reminded me of her. Before I knew it I was carrying these stars to the check out counter. I don’t really know why I bought them. I think I just needed some beauty to carry home. Annie saw them and asked if I was buying some sunshine. Yes, I think I was.
It is amazing to me how many things I see through my mom’s eyes. Hanging stars in a tree to photograph reminds me of her. I can hear her voice now. “So pretty” she would say. I am so much like her in this way. We shared an appreciation for the beauty in nature.
The days are hard. I cry often. There are no days right now where weeping isn’t a good idea. If I do not, the pressure builds until I cannot breathe. Weeping is a necessary part of life right now. But so is hanging stars in trees. This is how I am grieving –seeking God’s beauty in the earth and capturing it to share. Do you see him? He is here – reflected in the beauty of these stars.
Worship is my true north.
Worship helps me to find my way home when the path is blurred with grief.
I can feel my soul exhale and all is properly ordered again. The spinning stops and I rest. God can be trusted and he is so good.
Psalm 27:13,14 ~”I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.”
True North
7 Comments
Gorgeous. Each word, each photo, each tear.
Thank you Diana. ❤️
Stunning, Mary Anne. Truly.
This resonated within me. Thank you!
This is leap year. I was 22 years old when my dad died on the operating table under the greatest heart surgeon that has ever lived, Dr Debakey. There had been an error in the reading of the X-rays. Dad died at 54. Very young, incredibly gifted. He was the project engineer of the largest natural gas refinery being built in the world. In fact, it is still the largest that has ever been built. It is in Saudi Arabia. They flew him home when he was showing signs of distress. I hadn’t seen him for several months. Dr DeBakey met him at the airport and they transported him to the hospital. He was there for 5 days preparing for surgery that wasn’t supposed to be difficult.
I was in university, so my family didn’t want to distract me. They contacted me the night before the surgery. I got up the next morning and drove to him. He was truly a lifeline in my world. The rest of the family honestly thought he wouldn’t have problems and didn’t want to hinder the tests they knew were going on.
He died on Leap Day.
Every Leap Year I grieve in a way that is not present in my heart the other four years.
It has been 37 years. Nothing weighs me down as does Leap Year.
Moving beyond is not only a myth but a ridiculous unreality. God doesn’t expect that. He expects us to wrap our memories of those we love into the gossimer whisps of our hearts greatest treasures. He desires these memories to continually remind us of those verses he gave us to ponder. Those verses that remind us to not worry about tomorrow and live in this moment. Those verses that urge us to love our neighbors as ourselves. Those verses that send us to the reality life is lived only until He determines we are to go home to be with Him and He wants us to treasure the moments today.
Your daughter’s words are treasured more sweetly because they are entwined with your mom’s ever present memory. No need to remove that and pretend it isn’t there. Resting in the memories and embracing the life we are living in this present moment with our God Most High. What a blessed way to live. What a joy to embrace. And those that have gone before look down and watch as we gather those memories and share them with others. And I believe they smile.
Selah.
Shalom, shalom.
Thank you for grace giving.
Fellow so-journer,
Beverly
Mary Anne:
This is one of the most beautiful and poignant websites I have seen and I am so glad I found you on my FB feed! I read the post about you going to Pottery Barn for the first time without your Mom……oh, it made me cry/took my breath away. In fact, I had to call myMom today and tell her about it and how glad I am that I still have her at 87. I could so feel how you miss her. I will hold you in prayer through this season! Blessings, Lori