Under the Quiet
I know I have posted a lot night photos for this project already. I just keep coming back to the night sky. I find peace here under the quiet with the Lord. I haven’t truly slept since my mom passed away in October for one reason or another — grief, a new puppy, the holidays, a 365 project, a full litter of puppies, etc.
Also, I have been coming off of Klonopin since last August.
I was prescribed this drug nine years ago when we lost our baby at 16 weeks. Panic attacks, illness and depression ensued after his passing. I think I needed klonopin then, just to function. I had no idea that my brain would become addicted to this drug. I wanted to be off of it so over several years I weaned myself down to one pill at night of the smallest dosage. I tried to quit that one pill cold turkey two years ago and I hit a wall that left me terrified to ever come off of it again. It scared me. Last August, two months before mom died, I decided to try it again. This time I made up a slow-weaning schedule which would give me about a year to come off just one pill a day.
If you are not familiar with benzodiazepines or benzos as some call them, they literally change the way our brains work. The parts of the brain that help someone to be calm on their own become inhibited and stinted because the drug has been doing this for them. They can be very dangerous to come off of quickly and the side effects of withdrawal are frightening.
With God’s help I will be off Klonopin forever this coming year. I have cut my former one pill a day down to half and am continuing the schedule I created. This past Sunday I bumped my half down to a quarter and by Tuesday was feeling the effects pretty strongly. I had only cut Sunday’s dose and then returned to my normal half of a pill, but the drug has a half life and it is hard to gauge when you will feel the withdrawal. A panic attack was sitting on ready inside my chest, but the Lord gave me strength and peace. With God’s help and the support of my husband and family I will get through this. I am committed to being free from this drug forever.
If you have experience in this area, I am so sorry. I am telling my story to help other people who are struggling. You can find freedom too with God’s help.
May the Lord bless you and give you his peace this night. He is here.
John 14:27 ~”Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”
Philippians 4:14 ~”Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am.”
13 Comments
If I comment too much, feel free to delete them:o) But it seems right now, at this time in my life, I can identify with you so much! I don’t have experience with this particular drug, but I do know how hard it was to wean myself off of narcotic pain medication which I took after breaking my neck, etc. in an accident three years ago. No fun! So my heart goes out to you and I encourage and applaud your progress. And I look forward to rejoicing with you when you’re “free” as you put it, so keep us updated on your progress. Every little step, is huge! God bless you with peace on your journey…you are His strong, precious daughter, strong in His strength! And I bet your Mom would be so proud of you too!:o)
So excited for you. I am sure this is not easy.
I myself have never had a drug dependency – but our very nature tends to drive us to be dependent on something. I have found myself repeatedly returning to God’s throne -laying thus or that down.
And in this situation you described, my heart aches for you. To be honestly in need of help to make it through such a trying time. To find relief and comfort with that pill was necessary at that time. To find it has control of your body later must be so hard! I’m so very proud of you for this effort of forging new brain pathways.
But I find what you have said about the outside of yourself help you have received so beautiful as well. Praise God for your family. Praise God for you reaching out to them. Praise God for being God.
That empty void we all have, I pray you continually pour His Word, His Presence, His thoughts into that void. With Him within your heart and through family or friends bringing you back to Him -you will be free.
Take courage! He is with you.
Robyn Rochelle
Thank you for your honesty. It means so much. I’m saying a prayer for you right now. I’ve had two bouts of clinical depression. I’ll never forget that deep, dark hole.
What you’re doing takes courage and grace.
Much love–P.S. My husband and I are pioneers at the Bethlehem Campus. xoxo
And I’m so very sorry about your precious baby. We’ve been there.
So much love to you~~
Having once taken a whole year to come off Prozac, I can feel your pain and appreciate your honesty. God willing, it will work and you will manage without them. But, you know, if you have a chronic physical ailment you’ll need to take medication for the rest of your life . There is no shame in that, so why should there be shame in taking something for a psychological ailment? Very few of us come through life unscarred. God bless you, Mary Anne, and may you have a blessed Easter.
My prayers are with you, truly. I ended up in a mental hospital because my doctor doubled my depression meds overnight. I was so afraid of them after that I did what you’ve been doing. I weaned myself off slowly, slowly. Every change in dose sent me to the brink all over again. Finally, on Mother’s day, years ago, I had taken my last, smallest dose. I was awaiting the inevitable spiral, when in church the Lord assured me that it was over…I was free from the medication AND the depression.! He is a good God, and will take you all the way through. Blessings!
Prayers for you, with the Lord is your anchor and the support of your family I’m betting you will be off of the Klonopin soon. I have been taking low-dose buspar for about six months. When I had a pulmonary embolism several months ago, my doctor prescribed Klonopin. I didn’t take it very long because I was warned about the dependency. I do still have it and use it infrequently and take a quarter of a pill to take the edge off at times. When I told my doctor this recently he suggested I take Cymbalta with my buspar. The first addition I didn’t like the high so I haven’t tried it again. I’ve just been going to the Lord in prayer asking Him to ease my anxieties. I too, want to kick this anxiety to the curb. With God, all things possible. Have a blessed Easter! ?
Wow to Erickas testimony!!
Thank you for being transparent Mary Anne. I applaud you. This blog will help many of us who are trying to get off benzo’s.
I have been on Cymbalta for about 2 years because of fibromyalgia that was brought on when I was rear-ended by a careless driver as I was making a right turn into a plaza. I have scoliosis and am 70 years old so that compounded the pain. I was prescribed Cymbalta for pain, and it took the pain away . I was so relieved, but Cymbalta brought a host of other side effects with it. Anxiety, weight gain, higher glucose levels, confusion etc. . I had asked my Dr for lowest dosage when she prescribed Cymbalta and she gave me 30mg.
While good for the pain, I must say that Cymbalta is a terrible drug. There is no way to just stop taking it without going insane. It makes you feel so sick. Agh! Tapering down has been the best solution. Luckily my 30 mg pill is a capsule with 6 tiny pellets, so I took one pellet out of each capsule making it 5 pellets for 2 weeks. I had some withdrawal but not too severe. as my body adjusted. Then 2 weeks with 4 pellets, Am down to 3 pellets( half the dosage) I always feel sick the first day i taper down but it eases. Am hoping to be totally off Cymbalta by May.
I also wanted to add that my husband was taken off a benzo for sleeping and is now taking Advanced Melatonin Calm Sleep by Natrol. He takes 2 a night and sleeps better than ever. It’s over the counter if you feel you would like to try it. We get it at Walgreens.
I pray for your sweet restful sleep to return. Please share your progress.
You are a blessing!
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Oh please keep posting about Klonopin. My husband will be meeting with a sleep specialist to begin getting off of this drug. He’s been on it for 20 years. He’s tried in the past and threw his shoulder out in the middle of the night due to the withdrawals. He can’t sleep at all when he tries…he must be able to sleep so he can function at his job. We don’t know how to accomplish this and stay sane in the process.
Mrs. Mary Anne,
I can write from the place of being off of all benzos and anxiety and depression medications! Eleven years ago I got very, very sick and the doctors had to put me on a menagerie of very strong medications. It has taken the past 2 years to get off the last few medicines and for my brain to start to heal. I have wanted to start them again several times due to my brain being uncooperative and the withdrawal effects… They are terrible! The withdrawal is often worse than the original symptoms. Hold on, Mrs. Mary Anne! I know that it is worth it!! It is the hardest thing that I have ever faced to wean down and to experience the withdrawals from different types of medicines, and I know exactly what you mean. I will be praying for you daily as this battle is very long and hard, but I know that if you are willing Jesus will help you to grow through it and to let Him love you and to let Him help your brain, He will. I am very proud of you! Happy Easter! -Claire
Hugs. I had tears in my eyes while reading your words. I’m praying for you.
-Carol