Day 64 Beginnings

In all my years I don’t think I have ever resented spring’s arrival. The signs are everywhere. The earth is exhaling hope in the form of new buds and flowers — and so much green. These are all wonderful things aren’t they? Yet I find my heart is slow to embrace spring this year.

I am not ready for a new beginning. I am still trying to process winter’s grief. My spirit needs more time by the fire. I need more cups of tea. More quiet. More dark days. This is sorrow’s bequeathal for me.

Perhaps I fear moving on as some often do when they lose someone they love. The bud in the image above is from the hydrangea that mom rooted from the bush outside her kitchen window. Oh the ache. The same window where she watched the birds play in the bird bath. If I could just go back to a day with her again. I have so many things to say. I want to kiss her sweet cheeks again. I want to linger over the perfume bottles on her dresser. I want to have tea at her table one more time. I want to hear her voice coming down the hallway. She had a way of starting and finishing conversations while she was walking in or out of room so you had to follow her to hear all of it.

And yet, the seasons change without my bidding. Time moves on even though I plant my feet firmly in defiance. The birds attend to their nests and the tulips emerge from the cold earth.

But God is the I am. This is a truth that brings me much comfort. It means he is present at all times – in our past and our future. Time does not hold him and he does not change. He is steady and true. He is faithful and present with us in all the seasons. He is as close as the air we breath- closer even. He was there with me under the winter stars as I wept over my mom’s death. He was with me at the chicken coup when I found the first turquoise egg. He was with us when we sent mama’s lanterns into the sky to say goodbye (for now). This brings me peace because he has already been in the places that I fret over and he says, “take heart! I have overcome the world.”

And he is here now as the earth comes to life again.

So okay, Lord I choose this day again to trust you. I cannot hold back time. I cannot control my way out of grief. I can, however choose to say yes to you in this moment.

So bring on spring. Anywhere is good if you are there, Lord.

Song of Songs 2:12 ~”Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come, the cooing of doves is heard in our land.”