365 2014 Day 64 Place Holder

This lamp stays burning in Katie’s now empty room.  Every time I pass her room on my way to do laundry, it catches my eye. I don’t need its light to remind me of my girls who have moved on into adulthood; they are always on my heart. I keep it lit to hold my place in this house that grows larger by the day.

This has been a difficult season of transition for me. When I did a 365 project in 2011, all of my children were still at home. There was much life in this humble farmhouse. There was dancing in the kitchen and laughter around the dinner table. Now two have flown and one will be twenty-one in two weeks. This project seems to highlight those now empty places. What’s a previous homeschool mom to do?  When my kids were small, I never dreamed those days would fly by so soon. I also had no idea that my identity was somehow becoming intertwined with being their mom. So when the day-to-day mothering abruptly ends, whats a Mama to do? Who am I again?  They were with me around the clock for so many years. Sometimes I find myself walking laps around this quiet house and when I pass Katie’s lamp I remember that I was– I am, a mother. The anchor of motherhood dropped deep within me. It will not be dislodged and why would I want it to be? Love causes the heart to grow large and soft, making it more susceptible to pain.

I am still finding my way on this path called being a grown up. I swing like a pendulum between crying in my kitchen and trying to seek my own personal growth as an adult. I pray God will help me.

Annie once told me that my strength as a leader is my vulnerability. This blessed me. It is who I am — the mother who grieves in the empty kitchen because she has loved so deeply, and that’s okay. I gave them all that I had. This is what we mothers do. All of us. We give them everything as we should. I do not regret a day of it and I do not resent them for growing up. Its what I trained them to do. I know my birdies will fly back and forth between home and the world many times, and hopefully they will bring young birdies from their own nests someday. I hope to be there to guide them as they do.

The lamp reminds me of my mothering years; snuggly hugs and bath time giggles, bed time stories, pajama feet and sleepy faces. It is listening to teenage tears and having my heart break with theirs. It is prom dress shopping, and yes, photographs of everything. It is admitting that I don’t know anything at all and begging God to mother them better than I ever could. It is thanking him that he did and still does.

I will keep the lamp burning, along with my heart. Always lit and welcoming, warm and soft– this is a mother’s heart. A beacon to home.

Isaiah 49:15 ~“Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!”

Psalm 18:28 ~”You, Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.”