365 Project Day 290: Splitting Open

Canon 5D Mark ll, 100 2.8 macro, 2.8 aperture, 1/320 shutter, 100 ISO

She packs her things in her room and I hear it, a faint popping sound, like threads giving way, no longer able to hold their fabric together. I place my hand on my chest, and try to quiet my heart. “Shhh…” I say gently but firmly to the pressure that is building inside me. It is not just that she is leaving, my Katie who came home for the weekend from school. It is so much more. Grief is building and bulging at the seams of me, I can feel it and deny it no longer. Snap! Another thread loosens its grip on a patch I have endeavored to keep in place. A levee for the impending flood. A tear escapes and slides down my cheek. “Don’t cry, don’t cry!” I try to muscle my heart into submission. I am afraid I won’t be able to stop.

I manage to hug her and pray for her, pressing my nose into her soft cheek. She smiles at me through tears and gets into her car. I wink and blow her a kiss as the gravel mutters soft goodbyes under her tires as she leaves.

And with her gone, I finally let it go. The seam comes undone as I fall into a heap in the front yard. I pray and I weep.  I am a mess of threads, tangled and torn. Nothing seems to go where it once did.  The pain is physical now, the familiar elephant standing on my chest again. I ache. I ache because my children are scattered hither and yon. I ache because of the ones I have lost. I ache because I feel alone. I ache to find my place again. If I could I would pull this heart right out of me. It burns, as though it is tearing right open.

But don’t our hearts always burn when God is near? (Luke 24:32 ~ “They asked each other, ‘Were not our hearts burning within us while he talked with us on the road and opened the Scriptures to us?'”)

And isn’t God near to the brokenhearted? (Psalm 34:18 ~”The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”)

So could it be that this burning I feel in my chest is what human flesh feels under the weight of the presence of God?  Perhaps.  I feel His comfort. I know He is near. There is grace for me in this pain.

All I can do is give my brokenness to Him. He seems to love putting things right. Once again I will entrust this heart of mine to it’s Maker. Only He, with His scarlet thread, can sew me into something more beautiful than I ever dreamed.

Isaiah 53:5 ~”But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.”