Heart in Shadow
Canon 5D Mark ll, 100 2.8 macro, 6.3 aperture, 1/125 shutter, 100 ISO. Alien B800 behind subject at 1/16 using 30 degree grid, Alien B800 used to left of subject for front lighting at 1/32 using 20 degree grid.
Compressed and under pressure, my heart feels as though a shadow has been cast over it. Is there an elephant standing on my chest? I feel like I cannot breathe.
This is how grief grips me in the month of October. I do not look for it, but it always seems to find me. Ten days from this one marks the anniversary of our baby’s death. I feel my heart curling into itself, trying to be so small it cannot feel the pain. I am fighting to stay open as I listen to this song, the words ringing right and true.
Compressed
I want to be present, to not allow the pain wash me away, to dissolve me. I feel it could. My chest hurts from not breathing, from holding back tears, from retracting my heart. It just hurts.
This is not who I am. Open and compassionate, full of life and love, this is who God made me to be. I feel lost all closed up like this. I have lost my footing in grief’s slippery slope downward.
Curling In
So bear with me. This is where I am. God is still here, and He will hold me until the storm passes. He will hold you too.
My heart, all of our hearts, ache for eternity, when all will be made right. Yes, all will be as it should be. Someday soon.
Revelation 21:3-5 ~” ‘I heard a voice thunder from the Throne: “Look! Look! God has moved into the neighborhood, making his home with men and women! They’re his people, he’s their God. He’ll wipe every tear from their eyes. Death is gone for good—tears gone, crying gone, pain gone—all the first order of things gone.’ The Enthroned continued, ‘Look! I’m making everything new. Write it all down—each word dependable and accurate.’ ” (The Message Version)
All Things New
4 Comments
will be praying for you daily through this season
Asking God’s grace to surround you, His love to comfort you, His mercy to protect your grieving heart.
“I have lost my footing in grief’s slippery slope downward.” These words describe exactly how I am feeling right now. Thank you for always sharing your heart, Mary Anne. I will continue to pray for you and your precious family1
I stumbled upon this post quite by accident. Followed the sweet face of Emily Grace into your blog and, once there, allowed myself to wander through your posts, worshiping God and his beautiful creations through your lens. God brought me here, because He knew how much I needed this – seeing both the beauty and the pain. This week was my due date for my baby Benjamin we lost in the spring, and the anniversary of my father’s passing. The effort to stay above water drains me of everything I possess. Thank you for the courage to write this, it puts words to what I could not.