365 Project Day 190: For All the Sunsets I Have Missed

Canon 5D Mark ll, 16-35 2.8L, 5.6 aperture, 19mm focal length, 1/80 shutter, 200 ISO

I have this one.

I cannot be everywhere I want to be all the time. So many times I have lamented missing a stunning sunset by just a few minutes. Sometimes it physically hurts in the center of my chest, as I watch the colors drain from the sky. Like I have missed something I can never see again. And it is true, there are no two sunsets alike, so the loss is genuine.

Tonight I wept bitterly over something else I missed. Something I can never recreate. I was scheduled to fly to Virginia with my sisters for my dad’s 80th birthday party this weekend. Thursday night, I got sick. My head was throbbing. I had been taking care of Katie and Chris all week who were both very sick. I never dreamed I would fall ill as well. Friday morning I was in a predicament. I got up and stumbled into the kitchen, head still aching, and tried to make my morning coffee. I instantly knew I was not going to Virginia. I had to forfeit my ticket, and my heart. I was frustrated, with no one to blame. We have had this planned for months. My heart has ached all weekend as I have struggled to sort through my own disappointment and the knowledge that I let my dad down as well.

The hardest part came tonight when my sister Liza texted me to tell me about the party. She said my dad had made her and my other sister Dinah cry when he sang  I Wish I Was Eighteen Again. She said he couldn’t get through it without crying himself. I instantly lost it. My dad, singing, and crying about wishing he were young again. And I missed it. The tears that I successfully quelled all weekend, came to the surface. Chris found me, swollen faced and a mess, hidden in my little office. He held me and let me cry, all of my regrets spilling out into the open. ” I should have been there”, I kept saying. He assured me I could not have and that I had made the right decision, good man that he is. I soaked his t-shirt in tears, and held him like he was my daddy for just a minute. He loves me so well.

I have to remember the moments that I have been there, and be grateful for them. It is a healing balm for my soul, just like being grateful that I was there for this one-of-a-kind sunset tonight.

I was there with my dad, when after surgery, he developed a pulmonary embolism, or blood clot in his lungs. I had flown up to be his nurse for a little while after his surgery. He was resting in the den and I had gone to bed but was awake and reading. I heard him moaning in the other room and knew something was wrong. My stepmom had gone to bed and was fast asleep. When I went in to check on him, he was in terrific pain. I immediately woke up my stepmom and we called an ambulance. I do not doubt that God had me there for that moment in time. A moment I did not miss. I went to the hospital with him and quoted every scripture I could remember as he writhed in pain. I held his hand and stayed with him through the darkest parts. I am so grateful I was there for that.

I remember washing dishes with my dad in his little apartment after my parents divorced. He is a quality time person, so doing tasks with my dad was the best way to feel his love. He showed me what he knew about cooking. He taught me how to make French Toast and Surprise Packages, a salisbury steak and potato dish. One night while lying in my bed and praying, I heard my name being called. I was 14. My dad, who was sick with the flu was lying in his bed. I went to him and asked what he needed. He said he did not call me. When it happened again, he told me jokingly to say ” Speak Lord, your servant is listening,” referring to the scripture where God speaks to Samuel and he goes to Eli thinking it was he who called him. You can find that story here. The truth is, God was saying my name, and I heard Him. Something I have not told many people.(Now I am telling the whole world.) It’s okay. It was a difficult time in my life and I needed to know God was with me. After that, I knew He was.  All He said was my name, and my dad helped me to recognize it, even though he was kidding in his response.

I am grateful for all of those moments too. They are mine to hold forever.

So, tonight, as I my heart still aches with sadness, I am thinking of the times that I can hold. Too many to list here, on a blog. I will treasure them up and the joy they bring will surround me in the storms of grief and regret. There are things that are just beyond my control. Really, it’s all in God’s hands, anyway. I will accept what He has given me and be thankful for it. There I will find peace.

Like this blaze of glory in the sky tonight. A gift for my aching heart. I didn’t miss it.

Psalm 73:23-26 ~ “Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand.  You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”