365 Project Day 217: Fenced Out

Canon 5D Mark ll, 50 1.2L, 7.1 aperture, 1/160 shutter, 100 ISO

I can see them as I pull off the road, their faces turned together in unity towards the sky. I can almost hear them giggling and chatting together, or is it singing? They look like friends, a community, all focused in the same direction. Ah, it is the sun they long for. They are in worship, the sunflowers. There are hundreds of them.

I want very much to photograph them, to see the light shining through their opaque petals as they reach for the heavens. I want to stand right in the middle of them and join in the song. They are just over there. My heart rushes ahead of me to capture them, as I search for a way into the field. Then, I see it. A fence. A boundary. It says, “Go away! “,  its rusty edges scraping against my insides somehow. I stare at it in disbelief and disdain, locked out and away from the beauty I seek. I walk all around the edges, and the result is the same. I cannot get in. I am looking resistance in the face. The gauntlet has been thrown. What do I do now?

I have a choice to make. Will I accept this boundary or find a way in?

Sometimes it is hard to know the right decision. Sometimes I have to just accept the fences in my life, like the one that fell like a concrete wall when I lost my baby, separating me from a dream that was growing, living, dancing even, inside of me.  I could not change it, or move it. When that wall fell, they had to come remove the remains from my being, my body still holding on, denying the truth of the loss.  I had to accept that God is sovereign and all things are under His control. To know that He holds hearts, especially when they throb from the razor sharp edges of ragged fence lines, cut off from their dreams. Sunflowers in a field are one thing, but another sweet baby to hold and treasure?  That is another glimpse of eternity all together. I finally found peace in accepting that boundary, as I took timid steps into trusting my Creator and Father again. The one true lover of my soul. I allowed Him to hold me and love me through the arms of my husband and others who so gently encouraged me back to life.  He alone knows what I need, what is best, although I may never understand. He is still God and for that I am grateful.

Still, disappointment is never easy. Our hearts ache when we are separated from our dreams. We know it is not how it was meant to be. It is not in our original DNA. We inherited disappointment when we fell in the Garden that day. We all fell, not just Adam and Eve, and we found ourselves on the other side of the fence to glory.

This time, however, I believe I will fight for a way inside this fence. I have accepted the challenge. Adventure and beauty await.

I will see you on the other side, standing in the middle of the song.

 

Psalm 16:6 ~ “The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance.”